Thanks, Phil!

I really needed to hear you sing...

Hold on my heart
don't let her see you crying
no matter where I go
she'll always be with me

So hold on my heart
just hold on to that feeling
we both know we've been here before
we both know what can happen
So hold on my heart...

GRRRRR!

I dropped Will off again yesterday...he'll be gone for about a month this time.  Really it's like only 24 days...but I'm planning on a month - my pessimistic brain always plans on the worst.  It's kind of like a ritual for me to listen to my "love song" playlist as I drive away...crying...wishing that I hadn't been so excited to have the whole entire bed to myself or that my grocery shopping list didn't include case-lot amounts of cold cereal.

I was totally fine with Will being gone, until midnight the night before he left and then it all hit me again.  It's hard to explain the emotion of it.

Here we go again.

The "D" word is looming in my brain again, and so far I've managed to keep it floating around and not make contact with the emotional/realistic part of my brain.  It's not like I don't know what to expect.  The first deployment we had a few months to prepare.  This time we have over a year, but time seems to slip away and before we know it all the plans we make to spend time together as a family will be gone and we'll be wishing we had done more together and wondering where the time went.  Life has a way of living you instead of you living life.  Never fails.

This training Will is doing is the beginning of their deployment. They're getting ready to go.  We're already planning on how to make the rest of the holidays special knowing that the next ones will be spent apart.  No use hoping that something great and wonderful will happen in the world and all these soldiers won't be deployed.  Face it...things are only going to get worse, even when it seems that they can't.  I have to almost physically control my eyes from rolling when people say that maybe in a years time we won't be fighting in Afghanistan/Iraq anymore.  I'm starting to get tired of being optimistic...that's not like me to be optimistic...I'm a realist - as much as that annoys Will.

I'm probably going to get in trouble with Will for telling he's gone for a while, but how am I supposed to explain why he's not in the pictures while we're coloring Easter eggs again?  I hate doing that stuff alone.  The voice inside my head just said..."GET USED TO IT!!!"  Thanks, self.

I've had calls from family and friends to see if I need anything.  I so appreciate that, but they know I'll never ask for help.  And it is only a month.  I had people tell me when he was gone before that I could do ANYTHING for a year...true, but...no comment!  So last night, per normal, was a circus.  Why is it that as soon as Will leaves - my life becomes over and beyond chaotic??  When was the last time that my doorbell rang AND the phone rang AT THE SAME TIME and there were 11 EXTRA kids at my house and the dog is attacking my friends and neighbors as they come to my door (one neighbor was not super pleased about it...he must be afraid of dogs - oops!)?  As soon as Will leaves all the salesmen type people come to my door.  I have a sad, long, miserable history with door-to-door salesmen, but first thing this morning...."Hey, do you want us to aerate your lawn?"  Guess what?  My yard looks like it has Willie's poop all over it.  I CAN'T SAY NO! 

I had plans to stay in my PJ's most of the day.  Sleep in. Make breakfast.  Run 8 miles. Go to store.  Get back in PJ's. Get in bed and watch movies the rest of the day.  So far, I did sleep in...until 7, texted Will, made breakfast, had the lawn aerated (I hate it when someone comes to the door so early in the morning that you have to run to your room with your cereal bowl in your hands to get out of your PJ's and wipe the smeared eye-makeup from under your eyes and flatten the sticking-up hair on your head so that they're not horrified when you come to the door), texted Will, did the dishes, talked to Will, planned the week of meals with the kids so we don't have cold cereal for the next 3 weeks, wrote this post that's been brewing in my head...and that's it and I don't want to do the other things on my list - especially run the 8 miles, oh! and go to the store.

So, hold on my heart.

This is when Will came home from Afghanistan...the first time.

Honestly, all I need are my kids.  They are what keeps me going - even if it only be at 80% - while Will is gone.

This post is absolutely not meant to make anyone feel sorry for me.  It shouldn't if you know me.  So if you're wondering where all your favorite Easter chocolate went @ the store...it's in my hiding spot!!

I think I might need to go for 10 miles today.